They force them to experience stress, fear, but at the same time they are successful in women. Why can we attract dangerous partners? What does it say about ourselves?
We do not always realize why one man causes interest and curiosity, and the other is difficult to even imagine as a partner. Sometimes attracts something familiar, understandable: it relaxes, the world seems a little more predictable.
But it happens that it attracts to someone who does not look like us at all and is even hostile. It seems that communication with such a person should frighten, alarm, but the more dangerous the connection becomes, the more curiosity flare up.
Clinical psychologist Kira Romanova talks about two scenarios that make us choose potentially dangerous partners. In both cases, a woman is in a relationship with someone who is inclined to suppress her, and possibly even show physical violence. But the reasons why just such a man turned out to be near, differ.
The habit of living “on a volcano”
Aggression on our address cannot but violate our borders. The aggressor invades personal space, imposes its position, exerts pressure in decision -making. Physical violence violates the boundaries of the body, causing harm to it. Emotional violence usually accompanies physical, however, it actually acts traumatic. We feel fear for ourselves, loved ones, neglect our own interests, and sometimes we lose their will.
“If a child
grew up in a family where he was often beaten, then in adulthood he may not have enough respect for his own borders,” says Kira Romanova. – In some cases, the body can even partially lose sensitivity: it will be difficult for a person to listen to his reactions, recognize unpleasant sensations, pain. “.
Growing up, we are often still not free from the scenario of relations that has developed in the parental family. If a girl grew up in an atmosphere, where violence was rather a norm than an exception, then in adulthood she may not attach importance to the special temper of the partner. Aggressive behavior will seem familiar, not frightening.
Even realizing that relations with the aggressor cause suffering, we cannot always easily get out of them. Moreover, there is often no idea of how relationships can look without violence, and a calm and predictable man may seem boring, the expert says.
The key to its own aggression
Love is often romanticized, compared with fire that destroys everything in its path. Next to whom you can experience such a strong feeling?
Kira Romanova says that it is often calm, restrained women that are attracted by passionate, emotional and unbalanced partners. Their aggression is not necessarily expressed in assault, but they feel power over others, become seducers and manipulators. The so -called “right” girls often live, forbidding a lot to themselves. This habit of being good and flexible is formed in childhood.
The child does not divide feelings into bad or good, but he notes the reaction of his parents to his behavior. If in childhood the girl was faced with failure and even rejecting her own feelings, she could learn that being good means never to feel anger. Suppressing aggression, she loses contact with her, although she still feels the need for her expression, the expert writes.
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